Such an encouragement and reminder of what Love was made to be.
And with every fibre of my being, I want to say I am strong. I want to be strong again. So I can put up these four walls, stare out into the expanse and promise not to fall into this chaos again. So I can learn to play with fire without ever putting my heart on the line. So I can pick myself up, smile and pretend that it doesn’t really hurt anymore.
But LORD, give me the grace to admit that I am weak and broken. Give me the joy that lets me grieve then turns my mourning into dancing. Give me the strength to dig deeper and lay down the part that is insecure and unworthy. Give me the love to finally fill this void too often seeking for the wrong lovers. Give me the peace to place my sure identity in being Your Beloved first and foremost. Because I know I so desperately want to run from You after all I’ve done, but I can’t help but run right back into Your embrace.
So I will trust You. I will depend on You. I will wait for You.
For You are my God.
Humble me. Shame me. Break me.
Because when we’re down to nothing, Hope gives us the strength to look forward to tomorrow, to enjoy today and to not regret yesterday. I wish I could say that I am strong enough to face whatever may come tomorrow, no matter how sad it could be, but I know I am not. But ironically, when I am weakest, I become the strongest, not because of what I can do, but because of what He can do in my poverty.
There is much I don’t understand, much I am learning, and much that breaks me. There are choices I made that will have consequences - perhaps good and perhaps bad. Only God knows. But when I replay the record, I know that same tune will play out - not because of my desire to be loved, but of my desire to love. And that same desire has driven me for as long as I know to share my life with people I love so incredibly much that I have walked through times of joy and times of sorrow with. I can’t tell you what to choose and what to believe, I only know how to lie there and cry with you in times when you wrestle and break.
While talking to some of my dear friends yesterday, I realized this is what separated us most. Their belief in science where truth is only proven lends no room for faith - thus no room for hope. And I couldn’t help but feel sad when my friend said that she wanted so desperately to believe and find comfort in a God who pours out unconditional love because what she believes in is sad, but it just didn’t make sense to her. Maybe it sounds too good to be true. Ironically, it was in that moment when we differed most did I feel closest to her heart.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek with all our heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.”
Jeremiah 29:11-14
I don’t know how it must have felt for the Jews at the time of their exile in Babylon to have heard this promise from a God who is just but also merciful. But in the moments I have no control over and nothing else to hope in - not in my abilities nor in my strength - I continually come back to hope in this promise made so long ago to a people down to nothing. I hope in the Cross that can redeem the most irredeemable - that no matter how many times I screw up, my identity as His Child and Beloved are not dependent on my perfection, but on His Grace.
So if you ask me, my answer is still, “I don’t know”. I’m both extremely excited and extremely terrified. I don’t how to be “in a relationship”, but I know how to be in relationship. There is much that I don’t know how to do, but this I can do: to pour out as much as I can to the ones I care about most. I don’t know how to change the past, but I know how to move forward and grow. I don’t know how to judge, but I know how to love. I don’t know how to hold on to what I have, but I know how to surrender. And I don’t know how to prevent great sorrows, but I know how to Hope.
So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13
I’ll be okay. And you can be mad at me, because I’m choosing not to run away from you - but to stay. I’m choosing to listen even if what you say is hard to hear. Because Love is patient - that even when there is disagreement, we choose to stay - no matter how hard it gets. That even when He remains silent, we remain faithful. So don’t break for me. Break with me. Don’t hope for me. Hope with me. That God has written an unimaginable breathtaking story that gives us “a future and a hope” no matter the outcome. Because you are and always will be a blessing to me - never a curse.
“I was absolutely thunderstruck by the extraordinary reality of the man I found in the Gospels. I discovered a man who was almost continually frustrated. His frustration leaps out of virtually every page: “What do I have to say to you? How many times do I have to say it? What do I have to do to get through to you?” I also discovered a man who was frequently sad and sometimes depressed, frequently anxious and scared… A man who was terribly, terribly lonely, yet often desperately needed to be alone. I discovered a man so incredibly real that no one could have made Him up.
It occurred to me then that if the Gospel writers had been into PR and embellishment, as I had assumed, they would have created the kind of Jesus three quarters of Christians still seem to be trying to create… portrayed with a sweet, unending smile on His face, patting little children on the head, just strolling the earth with this unflappable, unshakable equanimity…. But the Jesus of the Gospels-who some suggest is the best-kept secret of Christianity-did not have much “peace of mind,” as we ordinarily think of peace of mind in the world’s terms, and insofar as we can be His followers, perhaps we won’t either.”
- Scott Peck
I used to stare out the window - waiting. I always believed that it would be right around the corner. And like any naive teenager, I only had to figure out how to fit into the mold you wanted. So just like in the movies, I’d be swept away in a fantasy.
But friend, you were right. It’s not supposed to be hard and painful. It doesn’t even take my breath away nor are there perfect moments. It’s not driven by overwrought feelings nor reckless passion. Rather it’s all in the little screw-ups and the fails and the belly-wrenching laughter that always follows. It’s in the words unsaid and the stupid fights and the hesitant goodbyes. It’s in the inquisitive eyes that see past the surface and the hands that don’t push nor take. It’s in the choice to simply be present.
So this is my letter to my 15-year-old self telling her it never happened. The ones that fit into your checklist never fit into your heart. You’d get rejected, broken and abandoned. Only to gather the strength to pick yourself up and find and love yourself first. But there was one thing you were right about. When it finally arrives, it is incredibly beautiful. And simple.
The more I know, the more I realize I do not understand. The older I get, the less I realize I have control over. And so it always comes back to these moments where I search my heart for what I believe in and what is most important to me. My faith is not blind. It’s a result of years of wrestling, questioning, doubting and searching. And still there is more to come and comprehend. That’s why I think it’s an incredible adventure with continual epiphanies every time God speaks through the silence.
When I read the Old Testament, it leaves me questioning of why God chose only to love the Israelites. A Jewish friend recently asked what kind of bad things I learn about them as a joke and after a little thought, I sheepishly answered, “the golden calf?” But when I went home that day, I realized that even after a period of astounding miracles, if God left me waiting at the bottom of Mount Sinai and “delayed” (Exodus 32:1), I would have threw in my share of gold and helped to build a new god. According to my timing, God acts too slow. Throughout the OT, it reveals the rebellious nature of man, but it also reveals the steadfast character of the God of Israel.
I sometimes wonder whether it is a blessing or a curse to be God’s “chosen people” and have all these laws upon you. Recently, while studying about Jesus’ temptation for forty days, Jesus’ quoted the OT:
“And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not… that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.” (Deuteronomy 8:2-3)
God made the Israelites walk through the desert for forty years only so that they would recognize God’s voice?!?! If I look at their history, even within the last century, there are horrors where even I question, “How in the world are they blessed?” How can we possibly understand the methods of God? It’s ironic how God has to take us through the desert so that we would finally give up our stubbornness and turn back to Him. But throughout, I also begin to see a God who continually forgives and loves because of a vow He made to His people despite their unfaithfulness. Despite “our” unfaithfulness.
While talking to my youth pastor two weeks ago, we mentioned about how boring it can be to read through the Old Testament and all its extremely detailed laws. When he questioned God, He only said one word to him: ”Jesus”. As I begin to question obedience in relationship, I begin to grasp why God Himself has to redeem us. The best friendships and relationships I have been a part of are those where I do something as an overflow of my love for them, not as an obligation. So why would God ever leave us stuck in the Old Testament law where we can only approach Him by following rituals? He then granted us freedom by the final Sacrifice of His Son. Because when I truly grasp that I have already been redeemed through Jesus, my obedience to God becomes a result of my love for Him, not of religion.
There are a million things I still do not understand and that I am still wrestling with and questioning. I’m in a post-desert period where I was lonely and broken but when I look back, I know why I had to go through it. If even Jesus had to go through it, I surely will not be exempt. Because I come out recognizing God’s voice better and knowing my sure foundation is in Christ alone. I can then overflow and pour out onto those around me because I experience a Love through Christ that is steadfast, eternal and satisfying. The me without Christ is incredibly selfish, greedy, jealous, manipulative, short-tempered and ambitious. Trust me - you don’t want to meet her.
So you can take anything else. But please don’t take Jesus away from me.
I was the rock admist the storm and chaos all around me when everyone else’s fell apart. But the truth is I was always looking in from the outside into this supposedly perfect picture. And perceptions can make reality even more torturous. In the middle of the most beautiful city, I was stuck in the broken home I molded with my very own hands. Accusations that ran deeper than simple words, I carried the fear that all I held and would ever hold would eventually be destroyed. So I found my escape and walked out the door - soaring to even the farthest ends of the earth.
It’s been four years of repair. So when I can finally sit and laugh in humble conversation with blood and share the deepest stories of my heart, it is a long-time prayer answered - on all sides. When the darkest of words no longer lingers in the silence, I know I have been set free. I no longer have to fear love. And just in time. A dear friend once told me that how we treat our family today reflects how we will treat our family tomorrow. So though I have no control of the future, I know the way I can love you best at this moment is to love and care for the family I do have.
Please understand. This is why I believe in redemption.
